Addiction can come in many forms. While we many times think of addiction as self-medication through abusing a substance, that is really only the tip of the addiction iceberg. Let me illustrate through my life story.

I began to unravel the thread of my addictive experiences when I wrote an autobiography* about addictions. Moving through four addictions in my life up to the age of 56, I was a busy boy.

At age 14, my anger engendered by my father’s isolation from me was demonstrated through excessive exercise. The weight training became an emotional outlet for my rage and I came close to damaging my heart before a doctor helped put a stop to that obsessive behavior. But all was not better, because addiction is always a searching for something outside of us to fix a pain within.

A few years later, I joined a religious cult. Suddenly, I experienced the seductive jolt of believing that I was among a select few chosen by God. That “divine” election gave me a feeling of self esteem. It gave me a temporary fix of self value. But, after awhile, no matter the amount of prayer or study, that black hole within me was still not filled. Because that “religious” experience, a repetitive attempt to ease my pain, was not a true spiritual journey.

When the cult failed me, I then discovered alcohol. Intoxicated, I felt comfortable in a group, rather than feeling like an outsider. The alcohol dulled my pain and relaxed my mind from the nagging small voice that had been coaxing me to really understand why I was experiencing the stress of low self value. After some years, nearing death due to excessive drinking – I chose life with pain and the drinking ceased. But the addictive behavior did not.

I soon became addicted to food; cookies, ice cream and all the temporary pleasure junk food can bring. After a few years in this new effort to dull the psychological pain, my doctor informed me that I was now diabetic and my blood pressure was out of control. Again, out of desperation, I chose life and changed my diet and lost weight.

I share these stories with you to say that the addictive marathon that I ran for much of my life was a flight from the truth of my same sex orientation. It was an attempt to escape the deeper reasons for my feeling isolated and different. Once I faced the truth of my being, I gave myself the freedom to cease running away from who I am and to finally begin to live.

*Dr. Grupe’s autobiography is titled, “Building Sand Castles – A Baby Boomer’s Journey through Addictions”

Robert C. Grupe, PhD is the author of the autobiography “A Baby Boomer’s Journey to Self- on the Road to Sexual Identity” available on ebook through Barnes & Noble. Robert is the author of 6 other books available on ebook through both Amazon and Barnes & Noble. With training in the mental health and addiction field, he is a Certified Peer Recovery Support Specialist and authorized through the Red Cross as an instructor in HIV Education/Prevention. He has been featured in Who’s Who in America. He can be reached at www.drgrupe.com.

That is one of the first questions I am asked often when I participate in university forums dealing with sexual orientation. It is a good, reasonable and well placed question. Actually it opens the door for an answer which can be life changing as well as instructional. The answer can deeply impact self esteem and become an antidote to heal the pain of feeling “bad” about one’s natural sexual orientation.

“How many of you in this class are left handed?” I ask. Hands are raised.

“Did you know that there was a time in history when being left handed was considered demonic or evil? Did you know that in some educational systems only a few generations ago, a child would have his or her left hand tied behind their back by the teacher and were forced to learn to function right handed even if it was not by nature their dominant hand function?”

I related the story of an associate of mine, a PhD, who was treated in that fashion during his early years of school. He confessed to me that it caused him to have a stuttering problem which had lasted well into adulthood. In short, it messed with the hardwiring of his brain.

“I believe we can now agree that such limiting beliefs were not only patently false but created barriers impeding natural human behavior.” Then I requested “I want each of you to write a sentence using your non-dominate hand.” Quickly there was a collage of frustrating expressions as students focused awkwardly on their writing.

“Now,” I continued “write the same sentence with your dominate hand”. Suddenly the atmosphere in the classroom morphed from laborious to free flowing. The handwriting no longer looked like a child struggling to write.

“Tell me” I continued “Could you write with your non-dominate hand for the rest of your life if society aggressively urged you to do so and punished you in certain ways if you did not?” The answer generally was yes, they could. However, they attested to the fact that while they would generally get better at the task – it would never feel as natural as the use of their dominant hand.

I then went on to explain that research relating to human brain hardwiring has documented how certain behaviors including hand dominance and sexual orientation are genetic. “You all just demonstrated which genetic propensity you fall under with your writing. Was it your choice to be left or right handed? Did you make a decision at anytime of your life relating to that?”

Then I offered the final point “Feeling accepted through understanding our genetic makeup – whether it be dominant handedness or sexual orientation, gives us freedom from the stress and self doubt which can lead to mental health and addiction issues. I believe through this exercise you have experienced, each of you has answered your original question as to whether or not it is a choice to be gay.”

As a young boy in the small West Texas town where I grew up, I felt uncomfortable with the social blinders that I was encouraged to wear. I was amazed that other folks did not realize they were wearing those blinders. How was it that I perceived it when they did not?

I learned early in life that you did not talk about some things with most people and you had to take care not to show too much of your feelings or some folks would become uncomfortable around you. I knew there was some sort of separation between me and others around me. It was confusing. I assumed at the time that lots of people had to live with that feeling. Yet I did not see the frustration in their eyes, they seemed quite happy to see life in a programmed manner. At that time I did not link my ability to see the world from multiple perspectives as having anything to do with my sexual orientation. And society did not seem at all interested in helping me figure all that out. I felt at times like I was from a different world.

Research is now bearing out some interesting things about creativity and being gay. Evolutionary psychologist Nigel Barber, PhD, in his book The Human Beast explores in his chapter Why Immigrants and Gays are so creative, that “Sexual orientation is itself a factor in creativity with homosexuals being over represented in most creative endeavors.” Barber continues “Being an immigrant, being androgynous, or being gay are all dimensions of otherness, of not quite fitting in with mainstream social categories.” I never thought of myself as an immigrant in the small town where I grew up. On reflection, I guess that’s what I was, in a fashion.

Being able to see and feel from multiple perspectives can make us more susceptible to emotional sensitivity, increasing the potential for addictive behavior leading  to self-medicating due to feelings of  isolation. We may feel social slights and other personal hurts more deeply. The upside to all of this is the wisdom and creative perspectives that the LGBT community has to share with the rest of society when and if they are ready to listen and understand.

Every culture has a general set of built in expectations regarding behaviors of life. The gay culture is no different. As with many cultural expectations- they may be as much myth as truth. I have heard comments similar to “They were together as partners for three years. You know three gay years, that’s like 15 straight years!”

Virtually everyone in the gay community ultimately desires a long term relationship. A part of human nature is to seek security. The thrill of sexual exploits can be intoxicating for a time. How quickly deeper relationships are formed may have to do with whether or not long term intimacy was modeled in our family as we grew up. In theory it would be nice to develop friendships ahead of sexual intimacy to bypass the Rose Colored Glasses syndrome. Sometimes the friendship does first happen but often it gets colored by the initial sexual experience.

We know what we “want” and many times we search through quick sexual intimacy to find “it” only to discover a relationship which then evaporates. In short, it is so easy to become addicted to instant intimacy which burns like a flame at first and then fizzles.

If we wish for a long term relationship (indeed life long, and it can happen!) a foundation needs to be built.

Ask questions and listen carefully. Another person will ultimately tell you what they are made of. We all carry baggage into a relationship. When the sex is burning hot we just don’t want to take the time to unpack that baggage. Go ahead and take the time; communicate and see what each other’s baggage contains.
Discover life expectations. Both may need to let go of unreasonable expectations. Be willing to celebrate the unique characteristics of the other person. If we choose to wait for others to change to totally fulfill our emotional expectations, we will be waiting for something that will never come.

A relationship is never nourished by blame. Example: “If Jimmy didn’t wear me down, I would be able to cope with life,” or “If Scott gave me more encouragement, I would be more successful.” Remember life is ten percent what is put on our plate and 90 percent how we choose to process it. Once we learn to take ownership of our feelings and quit believing they are created by something or someone out “there,” we can let loose of the blame game.

Lifelong love as well as sexual intimacy is just as available to the LGBT community as it is to heterosexual relationships. There is no box that we are in; unless we put our selves in such a box, which says we have to keep searching in short intense bursts to find what is never really within our grasp. It is time for the gay myth that leads to intimacy addiction, to be busted. The myth that all gay relationships are short lived does not have to be true. Build the foundation that lets love for you and your partner be forever. You both deserve nothing less.

While research shows about three percent of the general population suffers from co-occurring disorders (mental health and addiction issues) in any given year [Regier et al., 1993b; Kessler et al., 1998], we also know surveys indicate a higher percentage of mental health/addiction challenges plague the gay community.

Feelings of shame, which come from disfavor received from family/church or the hiding of one’s true sexual orientation, lead to stress and feelings of guilt and low self-esteem. Anyone’s mental health would be taxed by the challenge of such issues. On top of that, substance abuse can become a band-aid laid over emotional hurts. It “helps” for awhile but then the hurt comes back with new pain. The trauma of swimming upstream in a socially disfavoring environment can lead to long term self esteem issues that encourage addictive behaviors.

It is hard enough to seek help for mental health issues (including addiction) without the underlying fear of being additionally rejected once the individual’s sexual orientation is also revealed.
In 1984, I finally garnered the courage to seek help for my alcohol addiction, I have no idea what the tension would have been like had I put all the pieces together relating to my orientation at that time. Would I have had the strength to still seek help, admit my weakness and reach for addiction recovery had I also feared revealing my orientation? Yet that is the additional wall which faces many in the LGBT community who may wish to seek help with the pain which is many times exacerbated by a non-understanding and non-listening society.

The underlying message is that significant social damage is done when shame, guilt and discrimination are added weights to a community which seeks to live their lives based upon scientifically valid genetic needs for same sex love and affection. Let’s get real about this: if all left handed people, or all persons over 6 feet tall, were put in the same social pressure cooker – they would be susceptible to the same mental stressors and addiction challenges as the gay community. You can’t treat any non-violent lawful social segment as though they were undesirable humans and expect not to inflict cultural damage on the entire society. History has proven that over and over.

The good news is that perceptions are slowly changing. It’s time for everyone to celebrate their innate ability to see past cultural gender barriers, thereby giving all of us a unique and vital opportunity to search for the real heart and character of a human being without gender limitations. For those in the LGBT community deeply hurt by society’s inflicted wounds: Perfection is already within us waiting to be discovered and released. It requires the removal of the trauma scars that hide us from the truth of our real value and potential.

[box]Robert C. Grupe, PhD is the author of the autobiography “A Baby Boomer’s Journey to Self- on the Road to Sexual Identity” available on ebook through Barnes & Noble. Robert is the author of 6 other books available on ebook through both Amazon and Barnes & Noble. With training in the mental health and addiction field, he is a Certified Peer Recovery Support Specialist and authorized through the Red Cross as an instructor in HIV Education/Prevention. He has been featured in Who’s Who in America.  He can be reached at www.drgrupe.com. [/box]