Finding our path

by Allison Blaylock
Transgender Advice Columnist

Dear Alli,

We know nothing about this transgender world - someone just gave us The Gayly paper and we found you. Our son is trans and we are finding our path in first raising a teenager, then figuring out what to do specific with a transgender teenager.

He wants to date. He is 15 (going on 30!). We have him involved in some of the support groups. We are going to let him date at 16.

What do we do with a trans child? We are lost. What do we need to expect when he starts dating? Any advice you can help with would be so kind.

Andrea & Jerry in Oklahoma

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Dear Andrea and Jerry,

I will say that the very first thing that you need to do is have open communication between your child and you. I have found that so many times having the open communication is very important and can build bridges where there would be gaps.

I find too many times that parents, siblings, and friends can cause more damage than anything by not being willing to talk, let alone listen.

Having a transgender child is not much different than having a non-transgender child, they will still push you to limits, they will question your decisions, and they will do what they want. You still need to be parents and keep things in line and have the rules set forth.

Having a transgender child will bring some changes such as getting used to using proper names, pronouns, and addressing the child accordingly. If your child is presenting (this is the gender that they feel that they are) as a female then use the Her/She, if the child is presenting as a male then you will use Him/He. I am not sure if your child is transitioning from male to female (MtF) or female to male (FtM).

In Oklahoma, there are some groups that are available for teens; one of them is at the Expressions Community Center in OKC. I will also recommend for you as parents to maybe attend or get involved in PFLAG (Parents, Friends and Family of Lesbians and Gays). They have chapters in OKC, Tulsa, and all over the US. This is a good resource group that you can reach out to. Two other organizations in Oklahoma are Oklahomans for Equality (Tulsa based) and Freedom Oklahoma (OKC based).

In regards to your question about dating, just like with any child, a parent will always worry about this, the aspect of rejection, disapproval, and general concerns. I will say that many things here will depend once again how the child is presenting. I would have a good sit down to find what the child may be expecting from dating as well as what sort of things could come about while dating.

I am thinking that if the child wants to date, that they have already been talking with a friend who accepts them for who they are. (Sorry, in many cases parents are some of the last ones to know about the transition.)

I will also recommend that you find a therapist for your child to talk with; this will be a major step as many endocrinologists (Endo for short) will require a letter from a therapist before they will allow someone to begin hormone replacement therapy (HRT). This will also be a good help with some of the communications with the family and the child.

I want to personally thank you for wanting to take an active part in your child. Too many times I see and hear of transgender people being shunned because they are transgender. As society slowly learns that people are not all the same, we have to learn to share, educate, and accept all for who they are. Being accepting parents is some of the biggest pieces of this for a transgender person.

Even for myself, as an adult who has lived life in many ways, it was not only one of the hardest things to tell my parents, it has also been the biggest blessing. I spend time educating and having discussions about topics in relations to being transgender, and they are open to listening to me, which is wonderful. There is no perfect way of making this happen, only the way that works for your family.

Thank you,

Alli

Copyright 2016 The Gayly – November 18, 2016 @ 7:50 a.m.