Liv’s declassified Christmas survival guide

by Livia Brown
Teen Columnist

The Holiday season is my favorite time of year, for a multitude of reasons; from the music to the hot chocolate, I’m all in. The biggest reason for its celebration however, is also to many its biggest downfall - family. Christmas time is all about family, whether that’s a good thing or not.

Let’s start with the basic family setup, see how many you can spot in your own family. You’ve got one passive aggressive rich aunt that purses her lips whenever something ‘too liberal’ comes up. One grandpa that still calls anyone who’s not white “colored.” An uncle who won’t stop talking about how Donald Trump is going to make America great again. A grandma that asks why people choose to be gay. And at least one cousin that gets way too drunk and cries/passes out.

It’s more than your great grandma’s recipe for pecan pie; it’s a recipe for disaster.

Then comes the question every teen has to face. Keep your mouth shut and save whatever semblance of peace there is left, or finally speak up and add onto the chaos. Whatever decision you make, it’s a lose-lose situation. But as someone who’s been living with a conservative family for seventeen years, I have a game plan every year, and I figured I should share it with everyone trying to make it through this holiday season unscathed.

Step one: Preparation is key. Come up with a plan. Figure out where you’re going to sit, ask your parents how long you’re going to stay, what you’re going to wear, etc. Personally, I like to come up with a list of conversation topics when your spider-senses start tingling to change the topic, a list of answers to the generic questions (college, career, school…) and whatever else you need.

Step Two: To quote The Hitchhiker's Guide, don’t panic. It’s easy to get overwhelmed, I know. But take a deep breath, count to ten, go to your happy place, or whatever it is you do. You will make it out of this alive, and even (relatively) sane, I swear. So if it gets too much, take a step back and talk to your favorite cousin, you’ll be home before you know it.

Step Three: Think before you speak. Eventually your family will say something so profoundly rage inducing you will not be able to hold yourself back. That’s fine, great even, it’s what families are there for. But you don’t need to erupt into a volcano of anger.

Take a breath, and think what you’re going to say. You know your family better than I do, so figure out your best approach. You can openly disagree with their opinion (but be warned, this often leads to arguments that turn into food fights, and it is a Christmas sin to waste those homemade mashed potatoes).

You can take my go to, and tease them with something like the line I used last year: “Oh yeah, this coming from the guy who thought watermelon came from a tree” (or whatever embarrassing thing they’ve done) which offers a lighter mood and subject change. Or you can keep it short and to the point with, “Can we change the topic” and the implied “or else” at the end. But really, whatever you do, don’t let those potatoes touch the ground. You will regret it when you don’t have any leftovers (trust me).

Last step, I promise. Have fun.

I know it can seem like an impossible task sometimes, but revel in the Christmas spirit for a bit. Savor the pumpkin pie, wear your ugliest sweater (mine has elves with beards that stick out, and lights) and laugh at the bad jokes. It’s called the most wonderful time of the year for a reason, so enjoy it, or at the very least, be glad you’re not in school.

Oh, and if you got the title reference, give yourself an extra gold star.

The Gayly - 12/13/2015 @ 12:48 p.m. CST