Looking at the man in the mirror

"Most of the time it’s not ourselves, our character or who we are that need to change – it’s our choices and reactions." File photo.

by Phillip Eugene Zee
iQueer Columnist

Dear Phillip,

So, I'm really working on myself and trying to figure out why relationships don't work out for me. I'm trying to look at myself and my behaviors, actions and such; and not blame the other person all the 

Someone I trust suggested I ask people for their thoughts and advice on this matter. So, any advice?

Colton Mac from Arkansas

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Hey Colton!

Thanks for your email. Behavioral education is one of my favorite subjects to discuss. Hopefully I am able to give you the advice you are looking for. It sounds like you are learning through experience, which can be a double edged sword, so what I am going to do is try and align you with yourself so you don’t have to guinea pig this with anyone but yourself. 

I am a huge fan of pencil to paper, and I believe it’s the strongest form of reinforced energy. From time to time I grab my notebook and go to town! I love it, it helps me see me from a different prospective. Take a piece of paper, and on the left write down all the things you desire in a partner while in a relationship. On the right, write down the things you don’t want in a relationship, like your red flags or deal breakers. 

Light bulb moment one: Which list is longer? 

On a separate piece of paper, take your list on the right, start with the top and write out how you would typically respond, followed by how you should respond. Do this for all things listed, read it out loud when you are done. Over your dating course, look back at it and read it out loud. 

I know what you are thinking, what is the crazy mo talking about? Trust me, what you are doing is training yourself by natural energy and repetitive behavior. You are, in a sense, setting yourself up for success by providing yourself the tools not only to avoid or curb men who are not ‘the one’, but just in case you put your blinders on and get yourself in a situation with the wrong one, you will know how to handle yourself upon exiting. 

Most of the time it’s not ourselves, our character or who we are that need to change – it’s our choices and reactions that need to be tamed from time to time. I say this because I’m a lot to handle at times, and I say “at times” because I never did have an off switch – it took a lot of pencil to paper for me to realize how I was treating situations, and people. 

Curious to know if you will take note…

p.s. Take notes!

Copyright 2016 The Gayly - 8/20/2016 @ 8:04 a.m. CDT