Coming Out: I almost died trying

 - by Jack Chandler
   Special to The Gayly

The year was 1979. I was 16. I’d known for a while that I was gay, but thought I was the only such freak in our small town, maybe in the whole state.

Then I met Alan! This kid was a senior. He was 6’2” and so effeminate that there was no way he was going to fool anyone. So, he owned it! Like, sashayed down the hall, swishing and lisping--owned it--in 1979! And he befriended me! Suddenly, a whole world of possibilities opened up for me. I could come out, like Alan! I could live my truth.

By November, I was on the verge of coming out to my family. We went to my grandma’s house for Thanksgiving. Everyone was there. Cousins. Uncles. Aunts. Second cousins, twice removed. The house wasn’t big enough for everyone, so I sat on the floor, within earshot of the adult table, eating off my styrofoam plate, listening to the conversation. The topic? “What would you do if one of your sons told you he’s gay?” No kidding.

My extended family was saturated with “Y” chromosomes. There were 13 male grandkids and two females. And the whole clan was fundamentalist Christian.

I sucked in my breath when I heard the adults discussing gayness (“fags,” “queers,” “sissies”). I listened attentively as all the people I loved one-upped each other with hate at what they’d do if one of their sons dared to be gay. “I’d kick him out of the house,” said one. “I’d disown him,” said another. And on they went. The most loving thing that was said came from my favorite aunt. She said, “I’d love him in this world because I’d know that I’d never see him in Heaven.”

That was the most accepting thing said at that table while the mashed potatoes cooled and the brown gravy jellied.

And that day, hearing all that hate, I lost my courage to come out. I shrank back into my shell. I made up my mind to be straight--or die trying.

Guess what? I almost died trying. 

It took me over 20 years to regain my courage. And when I did come out, my family turned on me like they had said they would. I was an “abomination.” I still am in their eyes. They’re all still “praying for” me to see the light.

I’ve found a new family, gay friends and allies, people who don’t view relationships like contracts with conditional clauses. People who don’t presume to speak for god.

I have a husband! I’m happier than I’ve ever been!

I know times have changed, but the evangelico-fascists are on the rise. If there’s a single gay teenager out there weighing whether to come out--or die trying, don’t believe the lies. Be an Alan. Own your truth. Live your life.”

Jack is an Oklahoma resident and the author of “The Higher Education of Matt Griffith." Available in paperback at Full Circle Bookstore & Amazon. Available in EBook at Amazon, Apple Books, Barnes & Noble, & Google Books.

The Gayly. 10/11/2025 @ 10:20 A.m. CST.