First, love yourself
- by Mikel LaPorte
Mental Health Columnist
I remember the first time I ever stood up to one of my bullies. I was in the eighth grade, walking home from school carrying my saxophone. I was practicing our street-marching technique so that I wouldn’t get called out during band practice the next morning.
One of the guys in my class, we’ll call him SK, was walking behind me and was making fun of how I was walking. He followed me for several blocks, calling me names and generally tormenting me.
Finally, I had enough. I threw my saxophone case on the ground, turned around and said something like, “If you want to hit me, then hit me. Go ahead and prove how tough you are by beating up the fat kid.” I just knew he was a football player with way more muscles than I had, so I was going to pummel me. Instead, he just walked around me and never bothered me again, at least to my face.
I don’t really know what made SK keep walking, or how I managed to find the courage to stand up to him. I know I reached a point where I was sick of being called names and was willing to take whatever he dished out to shut him up. Looking back, I think I found enough self-love to stand up for myself. I was able to say, “You don’t deserve this, and you are worth fighting for!
Growing up gay in the 80s and 90s in rural Oklahoma was not for the faint of heart. Hell, growing up gay anywhere in the 80s and 90s wasn’t easy. While it may be better today, LGBTQ+ kids, adolescents, and adults are still tormented for who they are.
Two events in February focus on love – Valentine’s Day and International Stand Up To Bullying Day. The thing is, real love is often difficult for members of our community because we never learned to love ourselves.
Whether it be churches, the media, politicians, or, sadly, our family members, LGBTQ+ people are often described as unworthy of love. I know many times I’ve heard messages that I was likely a pedophile or other sexual predator because of my sexuality, and even had family members suggest demons possessed me.
The truth is, though, whether it’s loving someone else or standing up against our bullies, we first must believe we are worthy of love and learn to love ourselves.
If, like me, you have found it difficult to believe in yourself and see yourself as worthy of others loving you, here are some tips on how you can first learn to love yourself.
- Write a list of all the things you are good at, and yes, we are all good at something. Each of us is born with innate strengths that allow us to excel. If you struggle with this, think about the challenges you have faced in life and what you’ve done to overcome them. What did you draw on from within yourself that allowed you to do so?
- Pay attention to your self-talk. Is the radio station inside your head stuck on the negative news channel? If so, change the channel. When you start to go down a path of negative thinking, take a deep breath and consciously think about things that have gone well that day or week. Consider something you accomplished that day, even if the accomplishment was just getting out of bed.
- Do something you enjoy- pick up a hobby and put the time in your schedule to do that hobby.
- Avoid those who make you feel bad about yourself – this may mean you have to cut some people out of your life. If you can’t do so, find ways to avoid those individuals as much as possible.
- Do something nice for someone else. Helping others often makes us feel better about ourselves.
The list above is not exhaustive on how to learn to love yourself; it can be a good place to start.
During this month of love, remember what Mother Ru always tells us, “If you can’t love yourself, how you gonna love someone else?” Can I get an amen up in here?
This story first appeared in the February 2020 issue of The Gayly.
The Gayly online. 2/12/26 @ 3:50 p.m. CST.