Resolve the resolution

by Mikel LaPorte
Guest Columnist

It is that time of year again. You know, the time we all make those yearly resolutions. Things like, “This year I am going to lose those 10 pounds,” or “This year I am going to go to the gym five days a week,” or “This year I am going to…insert your guilt-ridden resolution here.” 

See, there is the problem. Our resolutions often come from a sense of something we feel we are lacking. Will-power for example, and we make a resolution designed to guilt us into doing something about the perceived deficiency.

Focusing on what we feel we are lacking is the reason our resolutions often fail just days or weeks after making them. We do what famed psychologist Albert Ellis calls “shoulding all over ourselves.” We make resolutions about what we should do, rather than what we want to do.

The problem is, when we start a goal from a place of feeling poorly about ourselves, it is difficult to find the motivation to make the change necessary to achieve said goal. Real, lasting change takes hard work.

Additionally, the typical resolution leaves no room for failure. Any behavior change is bound to encounter failures along the way. Starting a goal from a place of decreased self-worth makes it easier to stop making the desired change the minute we face difficulty. We tell ourselves things like, “See, I knew I couldn’t do this, I should just give up.” Often, we do just that.

I propose something different. Rather than resolving a perceived failure, why not focus on the life you want to create for yourself. Instead of resolving to lose 10 pounds, why not envision living a healthier life. This practice helps us commit to the steps it will take to achieve our goals. Keeping this vision in mind can also allow us to overcome the challenges we are bound to face along the way.

This past year I gave up on the resolutions. I decided to look at what I wanted more of in my life rather than focusing on what I disliked about my life. For example, I decided I wanted to connect more with the people around me. Therefore, I decided I would take more opportunities to say yes to invites to social gatherings, to invite people over more, to socialize more at work.

I also, though, gave myself permission and grace to say no when I did not want to attend a social function or to decide last minute I was not up to attending an event. Practicing the word “no” worked for me. Although I made a few extra friends this past year, and I feel more connected to people in my life. Did I attend every single event? No! However, I took every advantage I could to connect with others during the events I did attend.

If you, like me, are tired of failed resolutions, why not try something different. Why not take a few hours to center yourself and to think about what you want in your life. Let go of past mistakes and failed resolutions. Instead, focus on living your best life. Then, think about the steps you could take to bring that life into reality.

You might find sooner than you think you are living the life you envisioned.

Copyright The Gayly – January 3, 2019 @ 6:50 a.m. CST.