Understanding polyamory

by Eli Wright
Guest submission

“It’s an identity,” says Julie Wallace, a senior anthropology major at the University of Tulsa. “You can identify as poly and practice it in a completely different way than somebody else.” There are countless variations, but the most typical polyamory arrangement is one individual dating two or more people.

Lucille publicly identifies as polyamorous. She’s married, with children in their twenties, and doesn’t live with her husband. “We’re like co-parents,” she says. “I live with my long-term partner of twelve years. I also have a serious relationship of about two years and a friend-with-benefits who lives out of town.”

Many who identify as polyamorous connect with each other online. They trade advice, stories and seek new partners. Lucille says, “About two-thirds of the new people who join are couples looking for a bisexual-female, the other third are maybe women looking for men or couples looking for each other.”

Jen, feeling broken after a separation, gave polyamory a shot. “My friend met this guy who was poly and had another partner. We hung out a couple of times and then he just asked me ‘so, do you want to be my girlfriend?” At first it went well, “it was really exciting for me, I was in a relationship with my best friend and another guy. But, it was kind of a train wreck for both of us.

“I felt like I didn’t get enough time with him, and he would smooth talk his way out of problems. My friend and I fought about it a lot. We had to end the relationship to preserve our friendship.” These issues are very common for polyamory.

Often times the balance will feel uneven in relationships involving multiple partners. It’s very easy to become jealous or angry, and it’s difficult to solve problems when partners cannot be honest with each other or themselves.

“We have communication issues too,” Lucille says. “I think you have to realize that jealousy isn’t going to kill you. We talk it out. You have to unpack it, figure out what it is. What are you afraid of losing? Learn to ask for what you want in a relationship, rather than resenting the person who’s getting it.”

This advice would be helpful even in a monogamous relationship. These issues are common, not because of the act of having multiple partners, but because the people participating are human beings.

Specific and customizable rules, a defining feature of polyamory, offer the accommodation often desired when seeking new life-changes. When the rules cannot be followed or adjusted, however, things fall apart.

A divorce lawyer offered some insight, “I do occasionally get poly couples looking for a divorce - not nearly as many as monogamous couples, for certain, though. The few I get generally just need the appropriate paperwork drawn up.

“I have yet to get a contested divorce from a poly couple. No matter what kind of couple, those who split up generally lose a sense of connection and trust with their partner. Either it was never really there to begin with, or it was lost over time and couldn't be regained, but without that loving connection and ability and willingness to listen to each other, the relationship falls apart.”

When efforts pay off, nothing is quite like polyamory. There is a mutual feeling of satisfaction, like a family. It expands and mixes friendship and romance, even between members of a relationship who are not dating each other directly.

It’s definable as the opposite of jealousy, a word called compersion. One feels compersion when seeing their partner with another partner fills them with empathy and satisfaction, instead of insecurity and fear. This communal happiness is a wonderful expression of the inventiveness of our species, which remains an open opportunity for those interested in something new.

Copyright 2017 The Gayly – February 12, 2017 @ 11:55 a.m.